Anger is a powerful emotion. It can be a
normal, healthy and adaptive emotion. It can energize us and can motivate us
to take action in situations in which we feel threatened or wronged. It can
give us a feeling of strength and control. On the other hand, anger has
probably caused more hurt and harm than any other human emotion. It is one of
the primary sources of physical and emotional stress. It clouds our thinking
and makes it difficult to solve problems rationally and effectively. When
angry we find ourselves doing things we regret, we embarrass ourselves and we
hurt others. Worse, anger can lead to aggression. Anger hides or masks other
feelings that we may have (hurt and fear, for example) and makes it difficult
for us to deal directly with those emotions in a constructive fashion. Anger
destroys relationships. Anger can become a habit that is as troublesome and
debilitating as depression or anxiety. If we do not control our anger
effectively we become its victims and we are controlled by the circumstances
that trigger it.
There are many situations in which a degree of
anger is perfectly understandable and, perhaps, justified. We may become angry
when we feel that we have been mistreated, treated unfairly, deprived or
abused. In most situations, however, even when we have a perfect right to
become angry our anger is unnecessary and, very likely, causes more harm than
good. Rarely does our anger get us what we want. Rarely does it right any
wrongs. Most of the time our anger is a waste of emotional energy. It is a
fiction that simple expression of anger or “blowing off steam” is
beneficial. Many times, “blowing off steam” leaves us feeling more angry,
not less.
One of the more common myths about anger is
that if something bad happens to us we must become angry about it.
False! Our anger is not caused simply by what happens to us; it is caused by
what we say to ourselves about what happens to us and how we interpret
those events. People with anger control problems, for example, typically tell
themselves that it is terrible if they don’t have things their own
way, that it is awful if they are prevented from achieving their goals,
or that it is horrible if others do things of which they disapprove.
The fact is that it isn’t awful that we don’t always get what we
want, we can’t control how other people behave, we don’t
have to become angry just because bad things happen, and we can choose
not to become angry in the face of frustration. Anger is, in many ways, a
matter of choice.
Effective anger management does not involve
suppression of our anger nor does it involve simple expression of it. While it
is obviously unhealthy to stew in one’s anger, or to pout or harbor
resentments, unrestrained expression of one’s anger can be destructive and
is not the most effective way to be relieved of it. Typically, the best way to
be rid of anger is to find ways to refrain from anger to begin with or, if
angered, to exercise control before we become intensely angry. When we have
learned to control our anger we have learned how to become angry less often,
to keep it at manageable levels and to prevent it from lasting too long.
The keys to effective anger management are
threefold. First, we can begin to control our anger if we remember that we
have a choice about when, where, and under what circumstances we will
become angry, to what degree and for how long. We don’t have to
become angry just because something bad happens. We need to stop and think
before we choose to become angry. Second, we can control our anger more
effectively if we learn skills to stay physically and emotionally calm in
potentially frustrating situations. There is wisdom in the advice, “Relax,
and count to ten before you become angry.” Third, we can control our anger
by learning to choose appropriate behaviors when we are angry. Angry feelings
and angry behavior are two different things! Just because we might feel
angry doesn’t necessarily mean that we need to behave in an angry
fashion. Rarely are pouting, outbursts of temper, displays of outright
aggression or other unhealthy “angry” behaviors the best course of action.
The most effective long-term antidote to anger
control problems is to learn to be assertive, the skill of being able
to express your thoughts, feelings and opinions in a calm and rational manner.
When we are being assertive we feel effective and in control of ourselves and
our emotions, our needs are more often being met, and we respect the rights of
others. When we are able to be assertive we are less likely to feel the need
to become angry when something happens that we don’t like.
Like many bad habits, poor anger control can
be a stubborn habit. Learning to control our anger may be one of the most
difficult things that we attempt to do. We shouldn’t be discouraged by early
failures in our efforts to change our behavior because they are to be
expected. We need to be willing to resume our efforts again and again, if
necessary. We should never give up believing that we can control our anger.
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