Hardly a day passes without the media
reminding us that marriage and family living as we know them today are in a
state of dramatic change. We are reminded that the divorce rate has risen and
that alternatives to marriage are rapidly gaining in popularity. Various
information sources work together to sometimes dampen our enthusiasm for
marriage and weaken our faith in its very survival. However, the fact remains
that marriage continues to be the primary emotional and legal commitment we
make in our adult life. The choice of a marital partner is one of the most
important decisions we make in our lifetimes. Yet, the problem of marital
distress accounts for more mental health referrals than any other psychiatric
difficulty, and 50% of all marriages end in divorce.
The evidence is clear that in today’s
society couples often experience significant difficulties in achieving their
goal of a happy relationship. One wonders why, despite such difficulties,
people continue to choose to marry. Research offers three primary reasons that
people choose marriage in today’s society: for love, for companionship, and
for expectation fulfillment. The word “love” holds different meanings for
different people and often includes the notion of a “romantic ideal.” This
ideal implies that the onset of love may be sudden and dramatic, that
individuals have little control over the process, and that it is of such high
intensity that its duration is likely to be brief. Consequently, if romantic
ideals form the basis of a marriage relationship, it is possible that
disappointment and divorce may follow.
In addition to love, people marry for
companionship and to fulfill various expectations. However, in contemporary
society, these expectations can be quite lofty and sometimes unrealistic, and
may include the notion of complete happiness and fulfillment. Such
expectations can lead quickly to marital disenchantment. Consequently, the
personal expectations which may influence individuals to marry also may
contribute eventually to their desire to divorce.
Other issues which influence divorce include
social and relationship factors. Marital roles, as defined by society, are not
as clear as they used to be, making marriage more difficult. Also, divorce has
become much easier to obtain and is no longer considered scandalous.
Relationship difficulties often result when partners do little to reinforce
each other and show relatively high rates of displeasing actions toward each
other. Distressed couples also demonstrate ineffective communication, and are
less successful in their problem solving attempts.
What conclusions can be drawn from these
observations? Why are psychologists and other therapists asked to intervene in
this area? Not every divorce results entirely in negative consequences. For
some, divorce is the beginning of a positive new life. Nonetheless, most
Americans prefer the married lifestyle and when their marriages fail they seek
remarriage with surprising speed. The fact that marriage is here to stay gives
therapists reason to continue to work to enhance and preserve struggling
marriages. It is also clear that most individuals experience much pain and
suffering as a result of divorce, often including such difficulties as
loneliness, loss of identity, anxiety, depression, a sense of failure, and
feelings of hurt and guilt. In addition, increasing evidence suggests that
children, to a greater degree than previously expected, may suffer long term
negative effects from their parents’ divorce.
Research done in this area suggests that those
couples who are able to sustain their marriages increase their chances of
continued health and well-being. Marriage enhances personal, professional, and
social aspects of life and serves to reduce the pain of many physical and
emotional stresses. Marriage can be a very difficult journey. However, there
is the potential for marital relationships to be vital, alive and productive.
Only the couple can decide whether their relationship can fulfill their needs
and desires. But it appears that this judgment can be made more accurately
when significant efforts have been made to improve the quality of the couple’s
interaction. Libraries and book stores are excellent sources for helping
couples and individuals to achieve understanding of what relationships
require. Professionals are also available to attempt to remedy some of the
social, personal and relationship difficulties that couples experience as they
desire an improved marital experience during these changing and often trying
times.
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