These are challenging times for parents of
adolescents. Recent events such as the tragedy in Littleton, Colorado, have
increased public alarm and have caused parents to question themselves. While
recent evidence has suggested that the frequency of violence in the schools
has actually declined in recent years, there is indication that there has been
a relative increase in behavior problems in adolescents, both in the home and
at school. This trend is probably due to a number of factors, including
parental confusion about how children should be disciplined, ineffective
parenting practices and uncertainty as to how best to respond to the wide
range of influences and temptations that teenagers face today outside the
family. The present article is offered as an opportunity for parents to
reexamine their approach to raising adolescents in these difficult times. I
hope to touch upon a few principles that parents should keep in mind as they
approach adolescent-rearing.
Principle One:
Parenting should be one of your very highest priorities. All too often, in the
hustle and bustle of our busy lives, it is easy for us to ignore our parenting
responsibilities. Many things demand our time and attention, including our
work, household duties, recreational activities, social lives and our
community involvements. As with many things in life, we cannot hope to be
successful as parents unless we devote ourselves diligently to our
responsibilities as parents (just as an athlete cannot hope to be successful
in athletics unless he or she is devoted to his or her sport).
Principle Two:
It is extremely important that
successful parents endeavor to take charge. For some reason, it seems that
some parents have found it increasingly difficult to adopt an authoritative
role in their relationship with their children. Some parents are reluctant to
establish clear and appropriate expectations for their children’s behavior,
to set firm and effective limits, and to discipline their children when
necessary. It is extremely important that parents be willing to establish
standards for their children’s behavior, standards that are appropriate to
their age and level of emotional maturity and responsibility. It is extremely
important, as well, that parents be willing to discipline their children when
appropriate, disciplining in a way that teaches confidence and responsibility,
that preserves the child’s self-esteem, and that preserves the parents’
positive relationship with the child. Parents who are excessively permissive
are doing their children no favors.
Principle Three:
Become and stay involved. It is extremely important that parents be actively
involved in their children's lives. Children of adolescents should be free
with their love and affection, be willing to display positive regard for and
acceptance of their children and be willing to communicate with their
children. Parents should make a policy of being aware of their children’s
activities and involvements and be willing to monitor those activities. This
effort to establish appropriate emotional bonds between parent and child
should begin early; it is oftentimes difficult to do so in adolescence. It is
particularly important that fathers make every effort to develop positive
relationships with their sons.
Principle Four:
Parents of adolescents should behave with congruence. Every parent should be
aware of the powerful effects of parental modeling and the effects of a good
parental example. Parents should set good examples for appropriate social
behavior, for responsible behavior, for achievement and for self-esteem
(children whose parents have healthy self-esteem tend to have healthier
self-esteem themselves). Unless parents are willing to set a good example for
their children in their own behavior, they run the risk of losing their
credibility with their children.
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Pauquette
