One of the more challenging difficulties that
parents encounter in their children’s behavior are problems with anger
control and aggression. In this article, I will discuss the causes of problems
with childhood aggression and to highlight some practical suggestions for the
concerned parent.
While parents are understandably troubled when
they see their child behaving in an aggressive fashion, it is important to
remember that limited displays of hostility and aggressive behavior are normal
in young children. The frequency of these behaviors should diminish as
children grow older, however, and parents should expect their children to
display a reasonable degree of control of their anger (and few displays of
aggressive behavior) by 8 or 9 years of age. Aggression seems to be a
significant problem for only one in ten children. It is interesting to note
that aggression is generally no more common among boys than among girls but
boys tend to be somewhat more physical in their display of aggression than do
girls. Further, boys may be somewhat more likely to go to extremes. It is
important for parents to remember that, if ignored, problems with aggression
will only get worse.
As with many childhood behavioral problems,
the causes of childhood aggression are varied. Let us look briefly at family
factors that may contribute. Children who are exposed to severe and harsh
punishment may tend to have more difficulties with aggression, especially if
the parental discipline is inconsistent and if the parent is lacking in
warmth. Conversely, parental permissiveness (and lax discipline) coupled with
aggression in the household or critical and rejecting parenting may contribute
to childhood aggression. Sometimes, family conflict and stress (such as
divorce) can be a contributing factor. Children who are exposed to family
violence and frequent displays of anger in the household are more susceptible
to the development of problems with aggressive behavior. Finally, poor
parental supervision can contribute to difficulties in this area.
What should the parent do to help an angry and
aggressive child? First of all, don’t assume that anger is bad or that it is
a sign of trouble. There is a real difference between the emotion of anger and
the behavior of aggression. Parental over-reaction to non-destructive displays
of anger will hurt more than it helps. It is extremely important (although
easier said than done) for the parent of the aggressive child to stay calm and
rational in their dealings with the angry or aggressive child. It is extremely
important for the parent to avoid an angry response to the angry child (which,
typically, adds fuel to the fire). We should always remember that whatever we
do, our intention should be to teach appropriate behavior and help the child
learn self-control. Punishment for the sake of punishment is not necessarily
helpful. We should remember that discipline involves positive as well as
negative consequences.
More specifically, it is important for the
parent to focus their discipline on the behavior of aggression, not the
emotions that underlie the behavior. Parents should apply logical consequences
for any displays of aggression or destructive behavior. Because children learn
self-control and appropriate behavior by experiencing the consequences of
their behavior, they need to be held accountable for their behavior. For
younger children, consequences should be applied promptly. For all children,
discipline should be applied firmly but calmly (pleasantly, if possible) and
the consequences should be logically related to the offense but not harsh or
excessive.
Secondly, the parent should develop a plan for
responding positively to any positive behavior that the child displays as an
alternative to aggression (“catch them being good”). Parents should
develop a strategy for teaching pro-social behavior, that is, positive and
adaptive social skills such as cooperative and helpful behavior, and effective
interpersonal problem solving. It can be helpful, for example, to teach
children to ask for help in appropriate ways when they need it, particularly
for children who tend to be demanding. It can also be helpful for the parent
to provide helper and responsibility opportunities for the aggressive child
(as a means of learning to interact with others in a positive fashion).
Third, the parent should, in an effort to help
the child to internalize self-control and self-corrective thinking, encourage
discussions of the alternatives to aggression, possible consequences of
aggression, and the need for self-restraint. Further, it can be helpful to
teach children how to identify and label their feelings and to express their
feeling verbally.
Many times, aggressive behavior occurs as the
end result of a sequence of behavior. Sometimes, it is helpful to interrupt
that sequence of behavior early and thereby avoid the aggressive incident.
Additionally, it is sometimes helpful to set limits against those behaviors
that may lead to aggression such as roughhouse play, verbal sparring, and
inappropriate touching.
Finally, it is important to reduce children’s
exposure to aggressive examples, such as television and movie violence,
parents who fight, and aggressive friends.
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Pauquette
