Two or
three years ago, when my son was almost 16 years old, he asked me if I thought
he was emotionally “mature” for his age: not an easy question to answer a
teenager tactfully! I thought it was a good question, though, because like so
many things in life it’s always helpful to know what you’re “shooting for,”
what your expectations are. As the saying goes, if you don’t know where you’re
going you’re not likely to get there. It helps, as parents, to have a clear
idea of what it is that we want for and expect of our children as we develop
strategies to help them achieve emotional maturity. In my efforts to answer my
son’s question, a number of things occurred to me.
First, it is clear that emotional maturity is not a
static state, an end-point of development, or something that we either have or
do not have. Maturation is an ongoing process and one that we pursue our
entire lives. Second, it is clear that maturity is multi-faceted. I have
attempted, in the paragraphs below, to highlight what I think are some of the
key elements of emotional maturity. The reader will note that this is only a
partial list and that these elements are by no means independent of one
another. The reader will also note that these elements don’t only pertain to
adolescent development, but to adult development as well. Finally, the reader
will note that these elements are ideals, things that are only partially
achieved or achieved in steps over long periods of time.
The emotionally mature person is able to do things that
he (or she) does not wish to do at the moment. The ability to perform
unpleasant tasks willingly and without irritation or resentment, simply
because they need to be done, is a sign of maturity. The mature person has the
ability to be patient in this respect.
The mature person has the ability to empathize with
others. That is, he is able to put himself in the shoes of others and has the
ability to understand the feelings of others and respect how other people may
think, feel or act, even if it is different from his typical way of thinking,
feeling or behaving.
The mature person has the ability to put the needs of
others ahead of his own, particularly the needs of those that he cares about.
The mature person is capable of being kind, compassionate and generous.
The mature person does not insist upon having things his
own way. He recognizes that he is not in control of the universe, that things
do not always happen the way he would wish and other people do not always
behave the way he would choose. The mature person accepts these deviations
from his wishes without anger. The mature person has the ability to take “no”
for an answer and to be denied his desires without overreaction.
The mature person is able to work toward long-term goals
and is able to take the necessary short-term steps to achieve those goals. The
mature person is able to delay gratification and to put up with discomfort
along the way as he moves toward distant objectives. Again, the mature person
has the ability to be patient.
The mature person does not act impulsively and is able to
anticipate the approximate consequences of his behavior. He does not simply
act to satisfy his short term interests.
The mature person has the ability to control and manage
his emotions. The mature person has the ability to remain calm when things go
wrong and in the face of frustration. The mature person is not easily angered,
does not panic and is not prone to emotional overreaction. The mature person
is not easily offended.
The mature person is guided by what he believes to be
right and not simply what is expedient or to his advantage.
The mature person is able to take responsibility for his
actions and emotions. The mature person does not blame others or circumstances
when things go wrong and recognizes that the way he feels has more to do with
himself than with external events.
The mature person is also capable of functioning
independently. A mature person is able to resist the influence of others when
he feels the need to do so; he is capable of thinking for himself. The mature
person is able to set his own goals and work toward those goals without
feeling that others should support him or agree with him. The mature person
does not expect others to take care of him.
The reader should understand that these elements of
maturity are acquired and can be learned by almost anyone with a motivation
and determination to learn them (and to change the behaviors associated with
each element).
Pauquette
